Early Father’s Day

It’s been awhile since I have written. What more reason to write than to honor my father! I learned that AmTrak dedicated a building in honor of my dad! I am blown away! To think that the the co-workers thought so highly of my father to dedicate a building to him and honor him in this way is overwhelming! With Father’s Day coming up I can think of no better gift for him or for his family! Love you Daddy!

#fathersday #AmTrak

Alone

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There is nothing like feeling alone. Feeling isolated. Family is supposed to be binding. If that is the case, why am I sitting two rows behind the family at my father’s funeral? Does no one realize I am not there?
My family is no different than anyone else’s. We have our issues and dysfunction. However I will no longer be the scapegoat. I am not a punching bag. The one person in my family that really “got me” has left me. He understood how I felt and the dynamics.
Everyone that came to talk to me told me that I am the strong one. Even strong people have breaking points and need love too.
Words hurt. Just because I grieve differently than you doesn’t make me wrong, crazy, have psych issues, or that I am a bitch. It simply means that I am suffering, in pain, and miss my daddy. I think it makes me human.
#lost #alone #sad

Bad Mama Jama

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I have not brushed my teeth, I haven’t taken a shower. I have been walking around all day doing nothing going no where. What am I supposed to do? I sit and stare into space and when I get tired of doing that, the I play music that either reminds me of my dad or just makes me cry so I can get my pain out. I want to be strong during the services for mommy, my stepmom, and my sisters. Every time I hear of another friend or family member coming to the services I wonder how i will get through it. It is so overwhelming. It is nice to have so much love and support – I will need it. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I keep forgetting that God thinks I’m a Bad Mama Jamma (in the words of Carl Carlton).

#love #godsgrace #cancersucks #noonefightsalone

Red Cardinal

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Today I saw a red cardinal. For those of you who don’t know, the red cardinal is a symbol that a person who that has passed is coming to say hi and check on you. This is the second day that I have seen a red cardinal. The first day I could not get my camera up in time. It was so comforting to me to see this bird so soon after my father passed. I was able to snap a picture. I felt honored to share the story with my mom and sisters. They were not familiar with the history of the red cardinal. It is just like my father to com and check on all his girls and make sure they were ok. Particularly on this day as the ex-wife and the current wife drove together to the funeral home to make arrangements to lay the love of their lives to rest. I always admired the way my mom and step mom graciously shared the stage with my father. My dad was such a special and loving man. I cannot believe he is gone.

#cancersucks #noonefightsalone #flicker #love #godsgrace

Worst Day of My Life

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I got the 2nd dreaded call of my life. The first was that my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 15, 2016. The second dreaded call was that I need to come home on June 2nd. I scrambled to book a ticket and fly out. I knew what I was in heading into and I felt sick to my stomach. I’m not ready for this. How are you every ready? I got to the hospital and saw my father looking frail. He smiled and me and puckered up his lips for a kiss. I kissed him and told him I loved him. He could only speak in a whisper. I drifted off to sleep. We stayed at the hospital and the family chatted. We left the hospital. I was awakened at 4 in the morning and told to get to the hospital. Sadly my father passed away at 4:54 AM. Even though I knew this was coming, nothing prepares you for it. My dad looked so peaceful and content. I’m headed into the worst week of my life.

#afatherslove #pancreaticcancer #godsgrace #daddyslittlegirl

Feeling Helpless

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Cancer is such an emotional roller coaster. Today I got a call that my father fell and they couldn’t get him up so they had to call life alert. While getting him in the ambulance he threw up. Needless to say he is on his way to the hospital. I hate being so far away. I know there is nothing I can do. The hospital is the best place for him so he can get the care that he needs. It is concerning that he fell because we don’t know what, if any, damage was done. The waiting and uncertainty are the worst. Please keep my father in your prayers.

#cancersucks #noonefightsalone

Repeat and Pete

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I recently was at a BBQ and noticed a friend’s necklace. I asked her about it because I was intrigued. She said that she got her mother’s handwriting and sent it into a company to make it into a necklace. My friend’s mother is battling cancer and I thought that was a great idea!

I contacted my stepmother to get her help. See my dad sleeps a lot and it is hard to catch him on the phone. I told her about the handwriting and asked her to get a writing sample so I could get necklaces for me and my sisters. My dad has a nickname for all of us. The oldest is Stella, Mine is Pete, and the youngest is baby girl. She loved the idea and wanted one for herself as well. My dad also calls my stepmom baby girl. I used to not like my nickname because it sounds like a boys name. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mother that I got the meaning behind it. My dad called me that because I always did everything my older sister did. They called me “repeat” but shortened it to “Pete”. After I heard that I was touched. It is somewhat true as well LOL!

I’m so grateful that I saw my friend’s necklace and will be able to have the opportunity to have such memorable keepsake!

#flicker #cancer #humor #godsgrace

Keep it Simple

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Daddy shared with me that it took him awhile to get used to dating his now wife. He said that they would go out to eat and she would order a lot of food. He didn’t think anything of it but it happened repeatedly. He was like is this lady taking advantage of me because I have a good job? So they discussed it and my stepmom grew up in Panama. She was raised that when you go out to eat you always bring home leftovers. So when they went out to eat, she would order a separate entrée so she could have leftovers. She loved being able to go to the refrigerator the next day and get the leftovers from the night before.

My dad didn’t really propose to my stepmom. one day they were driving in the car and she had an epiphany that they were supposed to be married. She mentioned it to my father and he said ok. They went to look at rings one day and she pointed out the types of things she liked. One day they were eating at a bagel shop, which happened to be where there first date was. Daddy said well I guess we should make this official and he pulled out a ring.

That is my dad, simple. I love him.

#cancersucks #love #flicker #littlethingsmeansalot

Middle Aged Realization

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Grief is all around me. I feel like I have been grieving for a year. First with the diagnosis of my father. Then with the passing of my father in law. A friend of mine has stage 4 lung cancer she has been in the hospital for about 6 weeks. She is a long term care facility. She will not return home. The saddest part is she is a mother to 4 year old twins. Finally the last person I am grieving for is the loss of a friendship. One of my closest friends cannot look past herself to be a friend in my biggest time of need. There is a saying, when people show you their true colors, believe them. That is a big pill to swallow. Luckily I have been blessed with new blossoming friendship in addition to the old friendships as well, minus one.

Why is the world such a dark place? There is a part of me that is scared to ask the question because when you know the answer does that mean your time is up as well? One thing I have learned through this journey is not to sweat the small stuff. Most of it IS small stuff!

#cancersucks

Life Lessons

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I have learned grace from my dad and stepmom. They have been so positive and kept their spirits throughout this entire process. I hope if I am ever in the unfortunate circumstance that I am in a similar situation that I conduct myself in the same manner.

My dad told me that I need to not take anything personally in the coming months. He said he is dealing with things the best he can and he is going to do what he needs to tell take care of himself.

#lifelessons #cancersucks #silverlining