Red Cardinal

Today I saw a red cardinal. For those of you who don’t know, the red cardinal is a symbol that a person who that has passed is coming to say hi and check on you. This is the second day that I have seen a red cardinal. The first day I could not get my camera up in time. It was so comforting to me to see this bird so soon after my father passed. I was able to snap a picture. I felt honored to share the story with my mom and sisters. They were not familiar with the history of the red cardinal. It is just like my father to com and check on all his girls and make sure they were ok. Particularly on this day as the ex-wife and the current wife drove together to the funeral home to make arrangements to lay the love of their lives to rest. I always admired the way my mom and step mom graciously shared the stage with my father. My dad was such a special and loving man. I cannot believe he is gone.

#cancersucks #noonefightsalone #flicker #love #godsgrace

Worst Day of My Life

I got the 2nd dreaded call of my life. The first was that my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 15, 2016. The second dreaded call was that I need to come home on June 2nd. I scrambled to book a ticket and fly out. I knew what I was in heading into and I felt sick to my stomach. I’m not ready for this. How are you every ready? I got to the hospital and saw my father looking frail. He smiled and me and puckered up his lips for a kiss. I kissed him and told him I loved him. He could only speak in a whisper. I drifted off to sleep. We stayed at the hospital and the family chatted. We left the hospital. I was awakened at 4 in the morning and told to get to the hospital. Sadly my father passed away at 4:54 AM. Even though I knew this was coming, nothing prepares you for it. My dad looked so peaceful and content. I’m headed into the worst week of my life.

#afatherslove #pancreaticcancer #godsgrace #daddyslittlegirl

Repeat and Pete

I recently was at a BBQ and noticed a friend’s necklace. I asked her about it because I was intrigued. She said that she got her mother’s handwriting and sent it into a company to make it into a necklace. My friend’s mother is battling cancer and I thought that was a great idea!

I contacted my stepmother to get her help. See my dad sleeps a lot and it is hard to catch him on the phone. I told her about the handwriting and asked her to get a writing sample so I could get necklaces for me and my sisters. My dad has a nickname for all of us. The oldest is Stella, Mine is Pete, and the youngest is baby girl. She loved the idea and wanted one for herself as well. My dad also calls my stepmom baby girl. I used to not like my nickname because it sounds like a boys name. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mother that I got the meaning behind it. My dad called me that because I always did everything my older sister did. They called me “repeat” but shortened it to “Pete”. After I heard that I was touched. It is somewhat true as well LOL!

I’m so grateful that I saw my friend’s necklace and will be able to have the opportunity to have such memorable keepsake!

#flicker #cancer #humor #godsgrace

Keep it Simple

Daddy shared with me that it took him awhile to get used to dating his now wife. He said that they would go out to eat and she would order a lot of food. He didn’t think anything of it but it happened repeatedly. He was like is this lady taking advantage of me because I have a good job? So they discussed it and my stepmom grew up in Panama. She was raised that when you go out to eat you always bring home leftovers. So when they went out to eat, she would order a separate entrée so she could have leftovers. She loved being able to go to the refrigerator the next day and get the leftovers from the night before.

My dad didn’t really propose to my stepmom. one day they were driving in the car and she had an epiphany that they were supposed to be married. She mentioned it to my father and he said ok. They went to look at rings one day and she pointed out the types of things she liked. One day they were eating at a bagel shop, which happened to be where there first date was. Daddy said well I guess we should make this official and he pulled out a ring.

That is my dad, simple. I love him.

#cancersucks #love #flicker #littlethingsmeansalot

Middle Aged Realization

Grief is all around me. I feel like I have been grieving for a year. First with the diagnosis of my father. Then with the passing of my father in law. A friend of mine has stage 4 lung cancer she has been in the hospital for about 6 weeks. She is a long term care facility. She will not return home. The saddest part is she is a mother to 4 year old twins. Finally the last person I am grieving for is the loss of a friendship. One of my closest friends cannot look past herself to be a friend in my biggest time of need. There is a saying, when people show you their true colors, believe them. That is a big pill to swallow. Luckily I have been blessed with new blossoming friendship in addition to the old friendships as well, minus one.

Why is the world such a dark place? There is a part of me that is scared to ask the question because when you know the answer does that mean your time is up as well? One thing I have learned through this journey is not to sweat the small stuff. Most of it IS small stuff!

#cancersucks

Life Lessons

I have learned grace from my dad and stepmom. They have been so positive and kept their spirits throughout this entire process. I hope if I am ever in the unfortunate circumstance that I am in a similar situation that I conduct myself in the same manner.

My dad told me that I need to not take anything personally in the coming months. He said he is dealing with things the best he can and he is going to do what he needs to tell take care of himself.

#lifelessons #cancersucks #silverlining

Collateral Beauty

Once upon a time, this man and woman got married, Jack and Jill. Jill felt like Jack’s parents did not like her. They were not overly warm to her and they seemed standoffish. They were still very friendly with Jack’s ex-wife which was hurtful to Jill. Because Jill was hurting she did not engage in a relationship with the parents either. Instead she complained about them and put her husband in the middle of the situation. Years passed and the situation became more tense and stressful. Jack’s father became ill. His illness was aggressive and spread quickly. He actually ended up in hospice. Twelve days later he passed. Jill felt terrible that she had missed an opportunity to voice her feels and let this happen without clearing the air. She apologized to her husband and asked God for forgiveness. She suggested that they buy an airline ticket so Jack’s mother could spend a week with them. During that time Jill shared her feelings with her mother in law. They cried and agreed to start anew. Jill still feels sad that she let the situation escalate the way it did. However if not for the passing of her father in law she may have never learned the lesson that God intended for her.

The moral of the story is do not take life for granted for tomorrow is not promised. It wasn’t until after the man passed that the Jill’s heart softened and she began to appreciate the value of relationships regardless of past hurts.

Forgiveness

I had a nice conversation with my father out on the patio. He said he was reluctant to give me any advice but he did anyway. It was about parenting. He said all you can do is love your kids and be there for him. Kids have to figure things out themselves and our job is not to have judgment on them.

He said what goes around comes around, just remember to always do the right thing. Be able to appreciate the little things. My father said he does not hold grudges.

I felt like my dad was passing on pearls of wisdom. Unsolicited but he somehow felt that he wanted to share this with me. I appreciated it as I am a very deep person and love to have these types of conversations. I often struggle with how to bring up such topics or providing an environment for them to organically occur. So this was a treat for me!

I could listen to my dad talk for hours. Funny as a child I thought he talked a lot. Now I love to hear him ramble on. I can hear how labored he gets talking. He has to pause and sometimes I can hear him breathing hard. It saddens me to hear him struggle with things that were once so easy for him.

What I will say, is that my dad has NOT lost his sense of humor!

#humor #flicker #love #noonefightsalone

 

A Monster Calls

I recently watched the movie ‘A Monster Calls’. It is about a boy who is visited by a tree that tells him stories. The boy’s mother is also dying of cancer. The movie is about the boy’s journey of his feelings and acceptance of his life. The story was definitely a tear jerker and hit close to home.

One of the things the boy tells the tree is that he just wishes that it would happen already, meaning he wished his mom would die. I could relate to the feelings the boy was having. It is difficult to love someone with cancer. You do not want to see them in pain or suffer. You are scared everytime the phone rings wondering who is on the other end and what are they going to say. At the same time you feel like something is wrong for you for having these feelings.

It was a beautiful story about love, grief, pain, and sorrow. As I grow and age the lesson I am learning is to be fully present in the moment.

#smallwins #flicker #littlethingsmeanalot #cancersucks

Humor

What I will say, is that my dad has NOT lost his sense of humor! You may recall from an earlier blog that my dad now using a cane to walk. My Boulder and my father both have a witty sense of humor. My husband said that he needed to see a picture of this cane. He could not imagine what the cane looked like and he was curious as to if it was a “pimp” cane or an old man cane. So we texted my stepmother. She sent us a picture of the cane and sure enough, it was an old man cane!

I called my dad and told him that my Boulder said he needed a pimp cane. My dad said, “What the hell am I am going to do with a pimp cane?” I laughed and joked that it would go nicely with his jumpsuit, which has become his daily wardrobe. I told him he could add a gold chain as well.

My dad loves his jumpsuits. When I saw him last I swear he wore the same jumpsuit every day. I asked him if he did, I think he was a little offended. He told me he has several jumpsuits because he likes them so much. I was relieved! LOL!

As I write this, I sit here and my eyes are welling with tears. I’m not sad, I’m glad my dad is still here and that he is so funny!!! I just hate that this has become his new normal and he is fighting with this horrible illness.

I love my daddy!

#humor #flicker #cancersucks #noonefightsalone